some kind of nerve

"I found God on the corner of First and Amistad

Where the west was all but won

All alone, smoking his last cigarette

I said, 'Where've you been?'

He said, 'Ask anything.'

Where were you when everything was falling apart?

All my days spent by a telephone that never rang, 

and all I needed was a call, that never came, 
to the corner of First and Amistad.

Lost and insecure, you found me.

You found me lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.

Why'd you have to wait?

Where were you? 

Where were you?

Just a little late, you found me, you found me... ...

Early morning, the city breaks. 

I've been calling for years and years and years, 

and you never left me no messages;

you never send me no letters.

You got some kind of nerve, taking all our love... "

The Fray, You Found Me

I love this song, but it's one of those songs that makes me cringe a little bit sometimes, when I realize how often I have stood in the point of view of the singer - asking God, "Where've you been? Where were you when everything was falling apart?"

You know, I've been calling on you forever about this prayer intention or that situation, or whatever, but you never gave me an answer - "you never send me no letters." How often do we feel this way? How often do we wonder, when we're praying for an intention, praying for resolution to some situation in our lives, or when we're suffering through some trial that seems like it will never end - how often do we wonder how long that "letter" - that answer from God - is going to take? 

It reminds me of the darknesses I've encountered, and my inability to move forward in faith, even in the dark. It reminds me of my selfishness, only wanting one answer to a prayer, unwilling to hear "no," "not yet," or, "I have something better planned for you."

Then, it reminds me of the anger. "Why'd you have to wait?" Why did you make me wait so long - why did you test my limits, why did you let me break? Why did you let me hurt? Why did I have to go through that? In the last several years, instead of being steered by faith and trust, I became intensely angry about several things. It took me a long time to let that anger go - it's taken even longer to understand why some of those things had to happen. There are still some I may never fully comprehend, though I understand now that being angry about them, or asking those "whys" all the time won't get me anywhere but miserable. Maybe that was the point - that there's just not always a good answer for my tiny human mind. Sometimes God's answers are, like him, too big for us to comprehend.

"You got some kind of nerve, taking all our love..."
Yeah... the nerve? That's pretty ironic... the nerve? The nerve of a creator who doesn't need us or our love, but who created us anyway, knowing what we'd do? The nerve of someone who still gave us all his love? The nerve of someone who doesn't "take" all our love, but who gave us his heart, bleeding and pierced?

The nerve of someone who knows that if we are going to follow him, it will require - it will "take" - all our love to do it, because it took all of his love to save us?

No, I think we're the ones who have the nerve. The nerve to question. The nerve to turn away. Or the nerve to follow.
Besides, the title of the song is wrong. He didn't find us. He didn't have to. He was already there. We opened our eyes and finally saw him - we "found" him, and continue to find him in new ways if we have the nerve to believe, and to follow.

+Peace, and all good.