"And I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I'm gonna rip it out and then restart..."
-Florence + The Machine, "Shake It Out"
I could blog for ages with quotes from Florence + The Machine; many of their lyrics speak to so many things I feel or have felt. But this particular song says more than I can alone.
Yes. I am done with my graceless heart.
In August, I fell into a storm that I mentioned in my last post. The particulars don't matter here, but what does matter is that someone I trusted, someone I cared for, betrayed that trust and that care - and crossed a boundary. And no, it wasn't what they did. It was what they said.
And what they said launched me into a storm that has raged ever since. Yes, I was probably on an edge before it happened, and that was effectively my breaking point. Sure. In retrospect, I can see that was true. But it doesn't change what happened.
Unfortunately, it also doesn't change my response - which was not what it should've been. I didn't hold on as tightly as I should have in that storm. I was knocked off my equilibrium, and I didn't stick around to fight for it. I got distracted, and let myself be pulled away from what I should have been focused on. And really, in a certain sense, I let go. Spiritually, I failed. I failed in the commitments I've made to the God I have claimed to love and feebly attempted to serve. My prayer life went to hell. I've been angry, and ultimately, I've been drawn in on myself - and as I was reminded at Mass last Sunday, that's exactly what sin does - it draws us into ourselves - it keeps us from loving others the way we should, keeps us from serving God the way we should.
In any case, I went to Confession this afternoon.
I needed it. Badly. Because I am done with my graceless heart. This afternoon, I ripped it out, so I could restart.
I know it won't go the way I want it to, the way I try to plan it. I have been reminded, and will have to keep reminding myself, that's okay. I've long known that my plans mean nothing, even though I continue to try and make them - I'm happy to let God laugh at me. :) I'll still fall flat on my face at some point, I'm sure. I always do. The point is to get up and get going again, and not end up half-drowned (or worse), like I was by the time I got pulled out.
So maybe, just maybe, this time I'll hang on a little tighter, maybe I'll remember that "it's hard to dance with a devil on your back - so shake him off!"
This life is beautiful, but God, it's hard. And it's even harder to follow God the way we're called to. But I'm here for the fight, I'm here to stay.
I am done with my graceless heart. And in restarting, I find myself praying once more with St. Francis, "Most high, glorious God, illumine the darkness of my heart... "
It's always darkest before the dawn.
